like a big fucking rock that's pushing down on me well i miss you too much to ever wanna sleep are you busy? is this bad timing? are you drunk? i wish you weren't crying like the state lines that stand up like waves and the facebook posts begging me to pray i wished you were here 49 minutes from 12 no time left in heaven for an eternity in hell what if you hate me? what if you move on? well it's been 3 years and im so scared of people treating me like i have them is anybody listening? is anybody there? i feel so alone and i feel so wasteful and i just wish that you would pretend to care because i wrote some songs in my bedroom as if that would make me unique i thought theyd take me away from this place but now even my dad wont talk to me he's the one who taught me these chords he's the one who told me to sing but now this guitar is all that i have and there is nothing good about me so another song about nothing with a I and a IV and not much else "pity party" by old shoes sung over and over with so much less to tell and now i can see why you dont talk to me

i SHFFLed til my fingers bled writing dead, dead thoughts on even deader trees and gummy knees built ontop of gummy bones sat in the middle of thick black smoke just to take you home i held a bright light to a love note but the flame was extinguished by the wettest snow put out by the black cat fire i ran away from last year i wanna live on star trek i wanna live on star trek i wanna live on star trek i wanna live on star trek listening to the b52s with a sun that shines brighther than you standing grouped in my brain turning my thoughts untuned it's a pain that never goes away it's a month that always swells to decay like your cat breath steaming up my computer desk's windows 95 minutes from the end and the move credits play anyway i wanna live on star trek can you take me home? tuck me in thru the phone? wake up with no clothes on? can you leave me for dead? can your black eyes shred up my white lies til i got nothing but water and bread i wanna live on star trek

can you give me a break? cuz i've hardly been here for weeks on days can you give me a sign? that what's good now is good tomorrow night cuz my face is worn and my shoes are black and the way i live is a heart attack and the people i meet never remember my name and my legs get numb when they winter break cuz yr dad dont care about yr glowion rise and yr mom dont care where you sleep at night can you tell me tell me tell me i got this right just tell me please god say i got this right ccuz i been waitin i been waitin for a single sound thatll pick me up and break me of this town itll fly me to a beach and drown me good and even if it cant can you tell me it could cuz im a bunch of dead ideals in an ugly shell and my blood dont pump it's just goin stale and ever since my mom met me she's been trying to get me to smile at least and i know it doesnt matter but its stuck in my head that no one cares who i coulda been and all the love i have wanted to give i'll just pose hard on my blog like i dont give a shit

i used to want the best for myself i used to regale in the beating of my heart but i used to want to be an astronaut and now i’m lucky if i see the stars i am a rock withering down in the bottom of a river i am the top of the 9th in a no hitter i am a storm that ruins yr summer wearing my weariness like a medal i pretended to be asleep in a world where my aspirations were just to force myself to dream in the depth of rock bottom i am my actions stunted when i realized my songs could have been written by nick stutsman i am my father just much quieter i wanted to kiss you when i met you but you hadn’t thought of me that way and that’s okay that’s okay i just wish i had one friend to my name

these flowers by my bedside, the ankles set to dawn and all i wanted to do was fuck without the sheets on but i was too afraid of what i look like naked and exposed i was a glass lighthouse, overlooking a troubled sea and overwhelmingly set frightened and free from rapunzel, to joints in the dark set off a bomb downtown in mccormick park my knees aching and feelings prepared i never got to the unavoidable end and now when we talk it's just in blurs drunken texts and angry slurs remember the days when we used to laugh im missin everything thats in the past so let me out or let me stay and i'll ask for more soda but i wont ever feel awake i wont ever feel awake

like ten whole years that up and walked away i am the culmination of all of my mistakes doing some dumbass shit just to make my knuckles bleed and i am up singing songs when i should be asleep i start picking at the scars like they're shinking me down into this jealous angry person that i am now its not my fault its not my fault i could repeat it forever but its stuck in the back of my mind if its for better or worse! i was so scared to make a sound you would give it a chance if you cared enough to try and complain so hard when it doesnt go right like all the food you burnt circa 2012 you were too far gone to ever tell sometimes the best songwriting is when you tell it like it is and like every metaphor that you never get the notes never reach, they never even sing i was so scared of believing a single thing i was so scared to make a sound i was so scared to make a sound and you said "dont forget that i love you" "dont forget that i love you" "dont forget that i love you" it rang like an alarm waking me up "dont forget that i love you" like my heart remembered my blood "dont forget that i love you" i dont wanna be the person i've been "dont forget that i love you" i wont ever forget that again cuz now i got a reason for openin up like a boat carryin me away from a flood and so every night i sleep with your sweater if we gotta drown, we'll drown together

i tried to play it cool cuz you don’t like when i freak out i looked through my photos of you tried to erase the worries and doubts but when i’m alone i run sandpaper through all of my nice things and when i’m alone i just end up hurting my own feelings because if you were out of my life id wake up dryer and dryer every night and when you realize the monster i am my guilt will rise and my guilty eyes and i woke up on star trek and no one knew my name i was more a stranger in my fantasies and all the people i love just hated me and you and you and you and you and you and you become and you and you and you and you and you and you become the space between and the worries breed and there’s nothing more i miss than you and you and you and you and you and you and you i wish a song would fix it but what if this is forever what if youre ashamed when we’re together what if i’m a loser and this is as far as i will ever go im so worried ill wake up from a nap and all ill ever do is stay in this room alone i try to calm myself down remember when i had a couple more friends i start back up my conversations with the walls and missing you again

my legs are rough my face is dirty i've given up on my body like everyone else i'm fire just waiting to be lit if i could hide all winter long could it become metamorphosis i show up early i wake up late all anybody wants is to change wet grass in my mouth sticks to my tongue i took a shower to wash off the drugs you called me again just to say if you were here you'd whip me into shape but how can a circle roll up the mountain's face and you pretend it's just you who is misplaced i don't wanna apologize for the things i can't do right but my lips are saying sorry again if you could see me now just waiting around you could have become metamorposis

well when it ended it was dark and most days i just felt dead i slept on alternating nights so i could stay up to look for friends so i didnt leave my room for a year i didnt want anyone to talk to me drove to indiana singing dumbass songs haunted by nightmares of the scene and if it's all my fault i guess it aint me to make that call but i cant make no more apologies because the things i do i do for me and the things i made just disappeared with everyone wonderin where they went i became a body in a casket waiting to rise, rise again i'd like to say i'm doin better but i am more jealous as i sink and like every saturday night i played zelda instead at least now i have a friend who cares what i think and if it's all my fault i guess it aint me to make that call but i cant make no more apologies but suddenly i feel like cleaning everything

i dont do anything at all but wait for you when you give it too much, itll go away and the harder you cling, the farther youll stray and im so worried but im tryin not to show it in my face and i wake up every morning hating this place and when i talk it comes out mean and i guess that thats just me snowed in tongue and rotting teeth and the anger and the greed and i just sit in the past, hopin for the future wanting to break down these walls and kick the shit out of my computer i am young and i am hateful, i wasted my apology song when i was a kid i was right handed but now i am just wrong and i stare down at a grey bubble hopin that you fix it but its up to me its up to me i am the only miss that and you dont want me to come back and i am okay with that and you dont want me to react but when i eat its a heart attack and i can not stare at myself for too long or it starts to choke me out and i feel like i am trapped here, i am the walls inside this house i dont do anything at all but wait for you and i know that i will calm down and i know this all will pass and i know itll fly into my hand as soon as it escapes my grasp but i dont learn from my mistakes and i dont ever chill out i feel like roots are growing from my throat straight into the ground and when they tear open my body i hope theres bugs and bees and crickets because i feel like they're crawling in my skin when at night i start to fidget i am so scared of everything suddenly falling apart youre the only thing in the world that eases my heart and i cant say it well if i dont sing it, so i wont hesitate like budding grass i am cut down to half myself each day all i want is a dog, a cute house, and some bills that i can pay but yeah im doin fine i feel pretty good, i'm okay i dont do anything at all but wait for you

what if i dont wanna die alone am i less of an artist if im scared to know like a jet stream tearin the sky in half i could be chemical waste or an escape at last what if im not selfish tonight and i dont care about the cities or the bright fuckin lights i was never too good so it's not so bad gettin so drunk that all i do is stagger down the hall never felt this lost before if you could see how i crawl would you want to know me at all no longer wanna fly away, get lost in space because im lost in the warmth of your smiling face like the big black hole in my conscience and how it got everything it never knew it wanted and i could stay in bed but id rather get up because the sun doesnt care bout the hurt in your gut i hope you can move today i hope it's easier than it was yesterday because its hard for me to do simple things but you dont have to leave so youre not going to leave if i could exit with a single thought like a line in a bible straight from a god i would be too worried to decide i wouldnt sleep well any night i would stare at the ground or look at my feet like i do whenever im supposed to meet the opportunities of a new day never thought i would feel this way like a puzzle piece, a missing clue like i was some ancient forgotten part of you i am excited and nervous and scared and weak but lately it brings out the best in me and im glad people know who i am and i know things i can do and the things i cant and i always feel like i should put it to rest i always feel like fukaname x right?