so every last insecurity comes out in my dreams like bloodstained water and every time your heart comes around i only see our sons and daughters there's no way to say goodbye so take me back to indiana or take me back out to the road escaping every last anxiety i know how i want to tell you i love you i feel her growing inside of me i feel her growing in spite of me

and lately, i've been staring at walls clenching fists, and avoiding selfish sacrifice and in my bedroom there are our sheets still spotted lightly from the night cause i'm sick of fucking caving and reckless promise breaking i don't want to be your ghost no more i don't want to be dead tired no more but there is a face staring in at me through my windshield blinking lights and forever a chill i can't replace

a slow song won't fix all my fever dreams where you're fucking away all the shit that i bleed oh god is this what i've become a bitter young kid sugar-stuck to his guns like my sleepy grown eyes and my freezing fast hands i'm too terrified to even crash land "i'm not that bad but i'm not that great" and hiding away all the jewelry i made if it's affection i crave why do i keep it to myself if it's adventure i seek why do i stay sober and well it's 4 am and i'm shaking again what if this is all there is what if this is all there is and i wonder if it was me that was wrong all this time but once i attached all the stars in search of your name and all i could see was my own emptiness and malaise and how i shout at myself like i did when i was young feeling spacious as the sky between my lungs and that time that i was drunk and throwing my stomach out i sat on the curb staring my palms down but i haven't read in months, and my hands even less "fuck it" i said "i am the car wreck" your voice came in my head like the sun did that morning and maybe yeah, i could also slip around that corner but i'm trying to be strong i'm trying to chin up and i'm trying my hardest not to say the word "love" and all i really want is to just walk away and finally escape all my fucking mistakes because i find myself crying every time i lay down and thinking of the easy ways i could get out you were no notes that i could sing or scream out and my head felt heavy like a puppet laid down i felt small and trapped and the weakest of the pack just waiting for your memory to fucking attack and i'm shaking and scared and alone and i just want to wake up i just want to wake up i just want to wake up

i am malignant and i am constant and i am a mirror looking into the next and i can only see what is in front of me and in remembering, i have found that every last word will make a harsh sound by the time it reaches your ears from atop a mountain, i have claimed the answers to questions too scared or ashamed to even whisper out but i shouted loud at your tombstone and asked your ghost to show so i could make out your silhouette against the sunset one last time but maybe this time i will follow, i will venture and i will never let your heart win (do you hear it?) my chest feels like an empty room of an open wound oh, and my frozen hands keep dragging at the past and i'd like you to settle up and move like everyone else who stood down and laid before me like a sacrifice see you tomorrow

now i guess i'm always asleep drawing dreams around my eyes and in the middle of sentences i keep searching for surprise there's a lot of me in you treading outwards on the pavement thinking blood out of your forehead there's a lot of me in you peeking out your insides fighting so hard just to be right just for once but you live so far away and you don't even know my name it makes me sad when you are sad

it always feels like your house has everything worn out and everything you touch will turn to dust if our hearts keep beating i'll fly up through the ceiling and even sin can't touch us now that your light will fade too but i won't go away just yet i'm trying to remember what it was i came in here to forget i keep staring at reflections on broken shards of glass left buried on the bathroom floor just waiting

your spine and me could find the space beneath your smile where you're collapsing into yourself some broken glass could act as a priest to marry us before another bell has rung and is ringing in my ears oh your hips are swinging in the winter rain freezing the streets and your heart beats louder than my scream because i know that you believe i know that you believe in love all these books i read, these lives i lead well there is a ghost that follows them whispering and underneath my fingernails and skin i've heard the cries from its former life where jesus calls his name and i can see the future of its past and presence of the man i'll grow to hate oh your eyes are reading right into my breathing and i guess this is how i will feel and i hope when i'm dying you'll look down hiding and maybe then there will be trust

hey what's the difference between my life and your disinterest cause i'd say these headaches will last and a sattellite has beamed me into your head, invading your dreams like the sandman that i am because i blow away with the wind escaping in groups from the people i've been a broken tooth stabbed like sobriety or the aching land that fills the space from you to me dancing in the wind with me again well i don't mean to disappoint you but my god, i just feel scared that you will see the thing i see when i look into my reflection well i have seen the bravery between the absolute and the incomplete i have seen the sun marching slowly west and like a damn machine you too will bury me in a coffin where they'll claim i was blessed just like the dog i saw on my birthday when i escaped the fall well you made me feel alright and i'll miss that night, i'll miss that night