fukaname 3

by Ethan Uhl

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released January 13, 2013



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Ethan Uhl Missoula, montana

how self-obsessed can you get

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Track Name: thunderstuck
so every last insecurity
comes out in my dreams like bloodstained water
and every time your heart comes around
i only see our sons and daughters

there's no way to say goodbye

so take me back to indiana
or take me back out to the road
escaping every last
anxiety i know

how i want to tell you i love you

i feel her growing inside of me
i feel her growing in spite of me
Track Name: the sickest jam (of comfortably numb)
and lately, i've been staring at walls
clenching fists, and avoiding selfish sacrifice
and in my bedroom there are our sheets
still spotted lightly from the night

cause i'm sick of fucking caving
and reckless promise breaking
i don't want to be your ghost no more
i don't want to be dead tired no more

but there is a face
staring in at me through my windshield
blinking lights
and forever a chill i can't replace
Track Name: big water
a slow song won't fix all my fever dreams
where you're fucking away all the shit that i bleed
oh god is this what i've become
a bitter young kid sugar-stuck to his guns

like my sleepy grown eyes and my freezing fast hands
i'm too terrified to even crash land
"i'm not that bad but i'm not that great"
and hiding away all the jewelry i made

if it's affection i crave why do i keep it to myself
if it's adventure i seek why do i stay sober and well
it's 4 am and i'm shaking again
what if this is all there is what if this is all there is

and i wonder
if it was me that was wrong all this time

but once i attached all the stars in search of your name
and all i could see was my own emptiness and malaise
and how i shout at myself like i did when i was young
feeling spacious as the sky between my lungs

and that time that i was drunk and throwing my stomach out
i sat on the curb staring my palms down
but i haven't read in months, and my hands even less
"fuck it" i said "i am the car wreck"

your voice came in my head like the sun did that morning
and maybe yeah, i could also slip around that corner
but i'm trying to be strong i'm trying to chin up
and i'm trying my hardest not to say the word "love"

and all i really want is to just walk away
and finally escape all my fucking mistakes
because i find myself crying every time i lay down
and thinking of the easy ways i could get out

you were no notes that i could sing or scream out
and my head felt heavy like a puppet laid down
i felt small and trapped and the weakest of the pack
just waiting for your memory to fucking attack

and i'm shaking and scared and alone and i just want to wake up i just want to wake up i just want to wake up
Track Name: girl quest 2007
i am malignant and i am constant
and i am a mirror looking into the next
and i can only see what is in front of me
and in remembering, i have found
that every last word will make a harsh sound
by the time it reaches your ears
from atop a mountain, i have claimed
the answers to questions too scared or ashamed
to even whisper out

but i shouted loud at your tombstone
and asked your ghost to show
so i could make out your silhouette against the sunset
one last time

but maybe this time i will follow,
i will venture and i will never let your heart win
(do you hear it?)

my chest feels like an empty room of an open wound
oh, and my frozen hands keep dragging at the past

and i'd like you to settle up and move
like everyone else who stood down
and laid before me like a sacrifice

see you tomorrow
Track Name: beauty and king dork
now i guess i'm always asleep
drawing dreams around my eyes
and in the middle of sentences
i keep searching for surprise

there's a lot of me in you
treading outwards on the pavement
thinking blood out of your forehead
there's a lot of me in you

peeking out your insides
fighting so hard just to be right
just for once

but you live so far away
and you don't even know my name
it makes me sad when you are sad
Track Name: infinity card
it always feels like your house
has everything worn out
and everything you touch
will turn to dust

if our hearts keep beating
i'll fly up through the ceiling
and even sin can't touch us now
that your light will fade too

but i won't go away just yet
i'm trying to remember
what it was i came in here to forget

i keep staring at reflections
on broken shards of glass
left buried on the bathroom floor
just waiting
Track Name: trugst me
your spine and me
could find the space beneath
your smile
where you're collapsing into yourself

some broken glass
could act as
a priest to marry us
before another bell has rung
and is ringing in my ears

oh your hips are swinging
in the winter rain
freezing the streets

and your heart beats louder than my scream
because i know that you believe
i know that you believe in love

all these books i read,
these lives i lead
well there is a ghost that follows them

whispering and underneath
my fingernails and skin

i've heard the cries from its former life
where jesus calls his name

and i can see the future of its past
and presence of the man i'll grow to hate

oh your eyes are reading
right into my breathing
and i guess this is how i will feel

and i hope when i'm dying
you'll look down hiding
and maybe then
there will be trust
Track Name: shit hey we're fucked
hey what's the difference
between my life and your disinterest
cause i'd say these headaches will last

and a sattellite has beamed me
into your head, invading your dreams
like the sandman that i am

because i blow away with the wind
escaping in groups from the people i've been
a broken tooth stabbed like sobriety
or the aching land that fills the space from you to me

dancing in the wind
with me again
well i don't mean to disappoint you
but my god, i just feel scared
that you will see the thing i see
when i look into my reflection

well i have seen the bravery
between the absolute and the incomplete
i have seen the sun marching slowly west

and like a damn machine
you too will bury me
in a coffin where they'll claim i was blessed

just like the dog i saw
on my birthday when i escaped the fall
well you made me feel alright
and i'll miss that night, i'll miss that night